Me and all these boys: A Summer Without Video Games???

I have a bunch of boys, ages 11, 8 and 5 who have addictive tendencies with video games. I recognized this as an issue a long time ago. As a family we have tried all kinds of things to temper the video gaming in our house, to no avail. I have tried being very strict, scheduling out when and how long it could be played and being very lenient, given them a certain number of hours and letting them try to moderate themselves. What I've discovered, is that at least in my family (and it appears many others as well) little boys- and sometimes big boys- aren't born naturally knowing how to moderate fantasy worlds. We had 'gaming days' and 'gaming times' and even if it worked for a period of time, it seemed that it was always progressing to more time. They'd end up 'reading' or 'watching' gaming strategies on the computer to learn more about how to beat or build the current game they were working on (SERIOUSLY sick of Minecraft). They didn't know HOW to regulate themselves. And inevitably, although they would start playing happy and getting along, they always walked away frustrated and fighting and contentious. I went to a Girl's Weekend last week with this on my mind, knowing it was a problem but knowing that sometimes (ahem* often times) I relied on this 'babysitter', as unhealthy as that was. I wasn't ready to give that up.

It was amazing how sitting in a group of 15 awesome women and listening to the daily struggles and successes of their lives for 60ish hours can put life into perspective. I walked away realizing that if I wanted this problem in my home to change I needed to change. If I wanted my home to be full of life and light and laughter, I had to foster it. Not that it was all my fault or all on me, but holding on to MY crutch hasn't been healthy for anyone.

Due to my upcoming teen, I've spent some time researching safe media and as a result was led to learn quite a bit about addictions. I found it fascinating. I read an article on detoxing and the necessity to completely free yourself of the source of any addiction before you can learn healthy living habits. If an alcoholic walks into a therapist cold stone drunk and asks for help, there is NOTHING the therapist can do to help until the addict has fought for some period of sobriety. The same is true for any addiction. The addict has to fight for a period of sobriety before they can begin to heal. I realized that we would never be able to "fix" the problem by cutting back hours, it could only be fixed by rewiring our brains. And that would take a major intervention. A new way of life. And I knew that could be met by my children with resentments and frustration. The last thing I wanted was for my children to feel punished. As the parent, I had allowed this to happen. They were innocent.

I boarded my plane home from my Girls' Weekend knowing that things were about to change but not knowing HOW to change them. I sat on Row 5 in between Mrs. Lady and Mr. Man. I read and slept and read and slept on and off for the entire 3 hours (staying up until 3:30 am talking to friends will do that to you.) And suddenly, with 30 minutes left of my flight, I woke up with a start! I knew as clear as day what I needed to do. The Lord spoke directly to my heart and I sat there between Mr. Man and Mrs. Lady with tears streaming down my cheeks. And I didn't care.

When I got home, I spoke with Carl and told him my plan and he whole heartedly agreed. So, this week for FHE, we sat the children down. I asked them if they knew where I was that weekend. "Arizona?" "Yep, for what?" I was met with blank stares.

"I went and stayed with a group of awesome women. While talking with them, I was amazed by how many of them lived with some kind of addiction. Sometimes it was someone they knew and occasionally it was them self. For some of them it was food, some alcohol, some pornography, some fantasy. Maybe it was their dad or their brother or their husband or their sister or their mother. Everyone was a little different. I learned that when there is an addiction, people change. They do things they normally wouldn't do. They are unkind, impatient and argumentative. They are mean. Their brains don't work in a healthy way. Can you think of something in our home that causes us to act that way?"

Three little (and not so little) hands shot up. "Video games."

"That's what I thought too."

I explained to them to concept of detoxing with drunkiness and alcohol. I taught them how hard it was at first but how happy and healthy you felt afterwards. I told them that to give up video games would be hard and it wouldn't have to last forever, that once their brains were rewired, we might be able to find a healthy amount, but in order to really detox, it had to be long enough that they forgot about playing it.

I told them that the Lord had guided my path to understanding this.

I expected them to fuss and argue and try to negotiate. They did so little of that. Mostly they listened, and nodded.

Then I told them that I didn't want this to be a punishment, that they have done nothing wrong. And that while I was on the plane, the Lord told me what I needed to do. I told them that He said that I should make them a trade. If they would bring me all of their video games, then I would give them myself. I would play ball with them and jump on the trampoline with them. I would ride bikes with them and take them to the library, the park and the lake. I would buy kits and build things with them and research and do experiments. Sometimes that meant they might need to help me with chores; weeding, laundry, cleaning and dinner, but working together it would go really fast and then we could all play together. Sometimes I would need to do work on my computer, paying bills or reading (or blogging) but that I would use my time wisely and effectively and they would have plenty of books and toys to fill those times.

I cried. Carl cried. Dalton cried and Bryant stared at me bright eyed and hopeful. Rylan said, "so we won't play video games but you will play with us?" in 5 year old words. "Yes."

And then Bryant looked at his brothers and said, "Let's go get our video games."

I was floored. I went into the conversation hopeful but was blown away by the spirit of confirmation in our home. We used the opportunity to talk to each boy and show how the Lord had confirmed what we had said, individually and in different ways in their hearts.

They came home from school the other day and said, "Mom, why are video games so bad?"

 I explained it like this:

 Life is like a swimming pool and video games are like a hot tub. When you first get into the pool, it is a little cold, there is a slight adjustment. That is what it is like in life. You have to talk to people, learn to reason and communicate. There are pains and sorrows and adjustments. You learn lessons and some of them are hard along the way. But there is SO much you can do and so much fun to be had. There are water slides and laps to swim. There are indoor pools and outdoor pools. Lazy rivers and pool games. Some things you have to practice and learn and others are just pure fun and excitement. And then you get in the hot tub. It feels so nice. There is nothing to do. Just relazing. No adjustments and no learning. But you can't splash or do flips, there are no games to play. And if you sit there long enough, you get sick. Our bodies just weren't made to handle long periods of time in a hot tub. It feels good and it's nice for a while but it can't last. And then once you get out and get back in the pool, it's rough. It feels ICE COLD. There are major adjustments. It takes time to adjust before you can enjoy the pool again. It takes time before you even see all of the fun that can be had.

 Video games are like that.

 The boys listened, they asked questions, they nodded. And then they said, "ok" and jumped on their bikes and rode off.

 I am excited for the summer. We still have a week left of school, but this morning, instead of watching tv, my boys were out jumping on the trampoline and they all left for school happy.

 Summertime, here we come.

  Recent pics:

Hiking.... The guy who took the family pic looked at all of the kids and said, "are all those yours?"

"Yep, they just kept coming...."