WANTED: A Wife

I have a lot going on right now and I'm a bit stressed out. So, I'm looking for me a wife. She must be able to:

-cook healthy meals
-keep a clean house
-watch the baby (its almost a full time job)
-keep Dalton from getting hurt (another full time job)
-run boys to/from school/activities
-move (another full time job: consists of packing and moving all cupboards/closets to new house- alone, with the help of children and unpack with same help)
-pack everyone's (including husband's) overnight bag for each night spent at new house.
-change addresses with: banks, utilities, etc.
-switch over utilities
-take care of grunt work in new home renovations
-register kids in new school
-have birthday party for Bryant
-pay bills
-get Christmas cards
-keep scrapbooks up to date
-keep glasses on baby
-laundry
-middle of the night nightmare comforting
-blog while baby bangs on keyboard

must be able to do multiple (alteast 5) things simultaneously.

There is no intimacy in this relationship- sorry you won't have time.
You must be able to function happily on very little sleep.

Sorry- there is no pay. I may smile at you sometimes and if you are really lucky, I'll buy you a new purse or treat you to a pedicure.

Now taking applications.